So, life is pretty weird right now. 

For the past week I’ve been in almost complete self-isolation.  As an actor, virtually nothing I do for a living doesn’t involve a big group of people.  So since Friday the 13th (I’ll never scoff at superstition again, I swear), like everyone else,  I’ve been baking and cleaning and listening to records and reading novels and trying desperately to stay at least 6 feet away from other people. 

But honestly?  Those are kind of the things I like to do anyway; I just have more time for them now. So although this entire situation stinks, and I’m not thrilled that I’m basically unemployed, I do recognize that as an introvert, this is easier for me than it is for some people.

Take those college kids partying in Florida for spring break, for example.  The ones that were quoted in the newspaper saying “If I get it, I get it; it’s not gonna stop my partying.”  Now, at first thought, one might think, “Gee, those kids are dumb,” or “Gosh, those kids are immature,” or perhaps “I DIDN’T LOSE MY ENTIRE CAREER SO YOU COULD BLOW IT ALL FOR A COMMEMERATIVE BEACH TOWEL FROM SEÑOR FROGS, YOU SELFISH JACKBAGS!!!” 

But if you were nicer than me you might also think, “Oh, those poor uninformed kids, they just don’t see how easy it is to try NOT to spread a global pandemic.”  But some of us grew up as introvert weirdos who played games like “Silent Movie Star” and “World War I Nurse”, and we are G-D EXPERTS at throwing parties at which we are the only guest.

And so I’ve realized that although I never, never, never would have asked for it to happen, I’ve actually been training for this my entire life.  Self-isolation is my super power, so I hereby present you with:

PARTY FOR ONE: A GUIDE TO CELEBRATION IN SELF-ISOLATION

STEP ONE:  Schedule your party.  Want to have it tonight but not sure it’s enough notice?  Ask yourself this: Are you doing anything else?  Nope?  Great!  Your entire guest list is available!  But is it a weeknight?  Who cares?  For the foreseeable future, every night is Friday night. (What night is it tonight, anyway?  WHAT ARE DAYS???)

STEP TWO:  Invite your friends.  Except you’re not inviting any friends.  DONE!

STEP THREE:  Plan your menu.  Yes, the grocery stores are still open.  But in consideration of EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD please only go when you absolutely need to.  For tonight I’m sure you can come up with something out of your larder.  Might I recommend Filet of Whatever You Still Have in Your Fridge, with a side of Every Condiment Known to Man?

STEP FOUR:  Make a cocktail. I mean, why not?  It’s not like you’re going to get tipsy and drive, or accidentally hook up with some stranger in a kilt who you think was maybe named Kevin.  Now is a very safe time to imbibe.  But remember that thing about grocery stores?  Ibid the liquor store.  This is a terrific time to get creative and use up whatever’s been sitting around a while.  For example, I’ve made a cocktail of:

• Brandy From Some German Christmas Bread I Made That I Bought Too Much Of Because I Don’t Know How to Translate Milliliters into Cups

• Coconut Milk Leftover from Making Curry Noodle Soup

• Kahlua My Sister Left Me When She Moved To Ireland in 2015

• Cocoa Powder That Was Meant To Be A Garnish And I Probably Should Have Used a Spoon Instead of Shaking It Directly Out of the Canister But Oh Well I’m Going To Have So Many Flavonoids

Honestly, it tastes all right!  Sort of a low-rent Brandy Alexander.  I call it the Corona Vitalis.

STEP FIVE: Clean your house (specifically, the toilet, the sink, and that huge pile of cocoa you spilled on the counter.)  OR DON’T!  NO ONE CARES!!!  You can scoop that cocoa powder right into your next drink.  This party is the greatest!

STEP SIX: Figure out a party outfit.  You want to look great of course, but also be comfortable.  I recommend all of the rhinestones and most of the socks.

Forgot to shave?  Not wearing make-up?  Haven’t had the will to shower since you lost your career a week ago?  Not to worry!!!  You’ll still be far and away the most attractive person in the room!

STEP SEVEN: Put on some records.  I’m playing this Bing Crosby album a friend accidentally left here and now I don’t have to give back because QUARANTINE!  HAHAHAH!  LOOK AT MY NEW ALBUM!

And finally…

STEP EIGHT: PARTY!  Eat!  Drink!  Dance like no one is watching. Because, literally no one is.

Seriously though.  Really seriously.  This is a terrible situation.  But the terrible part isn’t that we can’t go on spring break or go out to brunch or get our hair done or whatever.  The terrible part is that people are continuing to get sick.  I’m young-ish and healthy-ish, but there are a lot of people I love very deeply who are neither of those things, and I’ll bet the same goes for you.  So please, please, please…let’s all work together to flatten the curve as best we can, okay?

And if the good of all humankind isn’t enough for you, I don’t know…pretend it’s soccer or something, and that you really just want to show Brazil how it’s done.

Whatever it takes, people.  Stay safe out there, and let’s get each other through this.

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