My mom and dad had their 50th anniversary this year, and I was in charge of the party. (It was awesome. More on that another day.) The night before the party I was baking the cake and ironing mom's dress and packing stuff up, when I got a call from Grandma Wehrmacher. She said she'd been going through some boxes (it's never disappointing when Grandma goes through boxes) and she'd found some photos of the wedding she didn't know she had. She said she'd bring them to the party, and then afterwards, that I could keep them. There was obviously a secret message involved, because YOU GUYS!!! Look at this...
Oh. My. Gosh. My mind is blown on so many levels. First, I'm fairly positive that this is the first time I have ever seen both of my Grandmas in the same place. Secondly, who doesn't like horses? But thirdly, and probably most importantly, this picture is proof of something I have long suspected. Do you see what I'm seeing here? Here are Grandpa and Grandma Peters and Grandma Wehrmacher, three people I know for a fact live in the present, who have CLEARLY TIME-TRAVELED TO THE PAST. That's the only possible explanation. And look! Grandpa Wehrmacher can do it too!
Now, the Grandpas have an obvious edge over the Grandmas in the blending-in department, because the clothes they wear in the present-day are sort of indistinguishable from these. But the Grandmas really went all out, and even did a whole city-mouse, country-mouse thing. They must have planned it together. I'm beyond impressed. No worries that they're going to disturb the space-time continuum; they blend in seamlessly. Now, lest you doubt the veracity of my theory, look at this picture.
This photo from the wedding captures the ACTUAL MOMENT OF TIME TRAVEL. Look at my cousins Tammi and Brenda, the flower girls. You can see them sliding Back to the Future! And Uncle Arlan, over on the left? He's practically gone already! (Presumably because he needs to get back to the 21st century and water his plants.) This is no mere photographic trickery. This is indisputable proof that I come from an entire family of time travelers.
I imagine you're skeptical. As was I, friends. As was I. But further research proved this wasn't an isolated incident. Take a moment, if you will, to observe this photo of Grandma Peters and Great-Aunt Helen, pausing briefly to admire the kitchen wallpaper and wonder what's in those sandwiches.
Now, I know Aunt Helen. This is how she dresses. (Which was coincidentally why our Barbies dressed like that too. Lots of polyester jumpsuits.)
You can tell this photo is from Modern Times because it is in color, and also, I am in it, and I am not time-traveler. So what's with the dress and pearls in the kitchen? AUNT HELEN IS AN EXPERT OF DISGUISE. And this isn't the only time she's done it. Look!
There she is, on her mom's lap. This is for-real Olden Times! People that I know have traveled to Olden Times! Lucky sons of guns. Now, I know it's hard to see faces and prove that's Aunt Helen, but look here...
There they are, all four of the great-aunts! They're young, but you can tell it's them. I'm mean, look at the one on the right! That is DEFINITELY Aunt Gertrude. They really outdid themselves with the disguises on this trip. I can just see them: four old ladies gathered around Aunt Leota's card table with the oil cloth cover, eating Aunt Frieda's apple pie and homemade ice cream; Aunt Gert crocheting and trying to get Aunt Helen to focus while they plan their trip to the past; and they decide they'll all wear absolutely giant hair bows so they can keep track of one another until they travel back to the present (in plenty of time for church.)
And what about Grandma, seen here in modern times? She's the source of all these pictures. Was the wedding her only trip to the past? Absolutely not, exempli gratia:
This last one is perhaps the most important. This one where she time-traveled to an elementary school circa 1933. Look at Grandma, third from the right in the front row. What is she holding in her hand? IS THAT THE PORTAL??? DOES SHE STILL HAVE IT IN ONE OF HER BOXES??? Oh my gosh, you guys. Grandma and I share everything...we have the same pale skin, thin hair, crooked tooth, hyper-extending elbows, and if you ask her, the same webbed feet. (I really don't think our feet are webbed.) Will she also share with me the secret to Time Travel? I hope so! She clearly brought the pictures to the party so I'd figure out my family's secret. And once I figure out how to work it, I won't bother with seeing the Gettysburg Address or signing of the Constitution or any of that jazz. What I will go see are true historic events, such as:
- Dad and Crazy Uncle Jimmy exploding the picnic table with their homemade gunpowder
- Mom going to high school with jingle bells stitched to her crinoline at Christmastime
- Grandpa Peters going to his first movie, the one starring Tom Mix
- Grandpa and Grandma Wehrmacher seeing those hula dancers in Hawaii during the war
- And first and foremost, Grandma Wehrmacher doing her hair in the 40s, so I can figure out how to make our fine, thin hair do this...
When you see me with this hair, you'll know I've come Back...to the Future.