I recently had a birthday.
As you know, birthdays are a time to treat yourself; to say “nuts” to the strictures of your everyday existence and really live it up.
Now, I’m a Minnesotan of German descent. I know just how difficult it can be for our people to really let loose. But I also know how important it is to do so at least once a year. So after a particularly extravagant and luxurious natal day, I give you…
MELANIE’S TWELVE STEPS TO MIDWESTERN BIRTHDAY HEDONISM
The night before, stay up until 1:00 a.m. cleaning, so as to spend your big day in a decadently tidy house.
Also the night before, run to the gas station for more toilet paper, so you don’t run out on your birthday. This is a particularly thoughtful pre-present for yourself, and sure to be EXACTLY what you always wanted. While you’re there, buy a caffeine-free Diet Coke as a special birthday-morning treat.
Wake up at 7:00 am. I know you were up late with the cleaning and the toilet paper and all, but you don’t want to waste any of your big day sleeping!
Talk to your parents at your birthday minute (8:05 am, in my particular case). Reminisce about when Grandpa and Grandma used to call and sing “Froher Geburtstag zu dir.” Ah, the good old days…
Go to the bakery and spend an exorbitant $2.25 on a pastry that’s not even from the day-old shelf. Eat it with your fancy Diet Coke.
Go to the church rummage sale across the street, and seriously consider buying a $2 vase before deciding you probably don’t really need it.
Make treats to bring to work. Why should you be the only one enjoying your birthday? I mean, who do you think you are? DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU IF YOU DON’T BRING TREATS???
Wear your fancy hostess-ing apron while you’re baking treats for other people, instead of your work-a-day cooking apron.
Use your favorite measuring spoons even though all the other ones aren’t dirty yet.
Ditto the good underwear…
Decide to splurge on Thai food, only to find that the Thai place is closed for a special event. Decide that your leftover lentils and kale were probably what you really wanted for your indulgent birthday dinner anyway.
And as night falls, and your red-letter hedonistic day draws to a close, make the most of those last few minutes, and…
12. Turn on the lights when it’s only KIND OF hard to see without them.